A Lesson in Ethics

Things get prioritized in the order of importance.  It sounds straightforward but for some people it's complicated, because everything in their life seems to be complicated.

When some say it's complicated, it never is.  I know that someone will point out the obvious thing to do, which is never ever what they really want to do. The right thing is the harder thing, and in the way of cliches it's the least popular because it's the most true. 

But some things aren't complicated and don't have a complicated solution. Some things in life just need to end.  Immediate termination.  Like a boyfriend who wants to be #1 priority when the girl can't even find twenty minutes to do her nails.  Or a person so amoral and possessive they hurt those around the person they're upset with, instead of the person they're actually upset with.  People just need to get cut off at certain points.  Whether it's one party's fault or the others, it has to happen because it's the right thing to do. It's not always so hard to say no.

Which is not to say it's always not so hard, because priorities are a bitch.  I prioritize my friends' well being over mine and it has been working out.  My own well being, however, is so far down on the list.  When I get hurt, nobody sees me cry.  Because it's not their problem. It's my problem.  And my problems are no one's concern.  The ones I cause that get my friends hurt?  Those I fix.  With those there is swift understanding, planning, and execution.

My problems are my delusion.  My arrogant, self centered delusion encouraged by my own laziness.

Thank God it's Friday.

Signifying Stress of Substance

So I've already established I'm not deadline aware. A lot of my friends are, and I've seen them stress, and it made me think stressing is for squares.

But I watched a local newspaper the other day under a deadline of tomorrow's paper or the next online post. I couldn't be sure which it was, because it felt as if no one wanted to talk to me or wanted me there really at all. Every facility was being used and no one was sitting around doing nothing. They were all working together, for themselves, for each other and a purpose. Many were so focused on their documents on computers. Others were rushing around, meeting people. Trying to find space for me was nearly impossible. They'd gather and then ungather (yes, I know that's not a word) and move in totally opposite directions and then back again with a new update.

It was a stressful environment but they weren't squares. They were conquering a purpose. They were a singular entity putting out a mass of products and they are role model worthy for this procrastinator.

A Night to Remember...or to not even happen

The apathetic senior class has elected not to hand in their senior dues, which means there's no deposit on our prom venue.  That means we might lose the venue, which means no prom.  No prom means no corsages, no ball gowns, no itchy tuxes, no "we didn't mean for it to happen" in the back of a limousine.

It means no conventional memory of high school, John Hughes standard cliches.  (Which is incredibly unfortunate; I really wish my life was a John Hughes movie) I think if they cancel prom my friends and I will organize our own thing, being that the student body is too clique-ish too even come together to chant *SENIORS* in the auditorium.

Not that I really care.  I don't have a date.  The only reason I care about prom is the dress.  I love fashion, and if I don't have a prom this year, I'll never have one.  I'm never going to the Grammy's, and I don't know what black tie affairs I'll be attending outside of weddings, so when is the next time I'll get to wear a ridiculous, self indulgent ball gown or sequined sparkle glitter ball dress?

I suppose I also care because it's the last time this group of people will be together partying, but most of this group doesn't want to be together.  We've only ever had two dances in my time at my high school, and the first one was crazy.  None of my friends went, and if one girl hadn't pulled me off the couch, I would have been really depressed the whole time.

But if that considerate girl, who stands on a social polar opposite, was willing to dance with me, who has fought with my friends before, (and by fought I mean, yelling and screaming and sent to the dean's office) then why can't the whole senior class cut the crap?  This is supposed to be our coming of age.  Why can't we come together?

Five Minutes

I have five minutes to write this post before I decide that laundry and schoolwork has some significance. Today's prompt was priorities and I prioritize poorly, if that wasn't completely apparent by my last blog post about my issue with deadlines.

"He chose poorly" is one of my dad's favorite movie lines. It's from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." If you haven't seen it, I don't suggest you do. The character of Indiana Jones always bored me, but I digress. That great line from that base movie applies to so many things. It especially applies to how I prioritize.

My first priority is usually food, which I suppose is hard to argue with being that it is necessary to survive. My next priority is usually whatever I'll get in the most trouble if I don't do. Will my teacher be more disappointed that I hand in a late essay than my boss being angry about my not filling out requisite paperwork? Will my parents be more angry if I stay up late than the amount my future will hurt if I don't make a competition deadline?

I mean, I'm not totally boring into work. Sometimes, even if risk outweighs rewards I'll still go out with friends. I am a teenager after all. But what doesn't make sense to most people is that I tend to prioritize work over school. Not that I don't think school isn't important or isn't worth my time. As much as I hate my school, it has had a great impact on my social skills, way of thinking, and my knowledge, especially my publications class. However, as long as I'm passing, I try to sleep and go to work and get paid. It's not a huge issue for me that I have less than a B- in AP Lit (which is weird for me because ELA is supposed to be my niche) but you know what? At the end of the day, I keep up with the lessons and my teachers' commentary and learn what everyone else is. Maybe I don't exercise what I'm learning for...any of my classes until I have to, but twenty years from now, am I really going to give a damn about the grade a teacher gave me that I can't place the face of anymore in the second term of my senior year? I seriously doubt I'll care six months from now.

I never really understood how much I need sleep until this year. I just hope I get better at my juggling act before I get to college.

Overdue

Deadlines are kind of an issue for me. Which is kind of ironic, being that I want to do something with journalism when I grow up.  In the eyes of the law, I'll be all grown up in eight months.  That's a little scary.

How is that I'm not old enough to smoke or drink or have intercourse or do adult things but I'm supposed to know what the hell I want to do with my career for the rest of my life?  Seriously, what kind of deadline is 18?  I'm supposed to know who I want to vote for for president, pay health insurance and be self sufficient, but I'm not self aware or mature or enough to dabble in a couple of vices?

18 is the biggest deadline of all for me.  Among school projects and work related things, becoming an adult is big.  It's bigger than graduating (which I could do in my sleep, and if you ask my former teachers Mr. Cross and Mr. Sacher, I pretty much am doing).  It has to do with the fact that not only am I supposed to be on track with a career and internship and experience, I'm also supposed to have one year of tuition saved and a plan to move out.

I don't mind all that; it has to happen sometime for me so it may as well happen now.  But I don't want to give up concerts and parties and friends and wearing fishnet gloves and Madonna-esque accouterments just because hey, you're an adult now.  But it's already starting to slip.  My Madonna-esque accoutrement isn't exactly professional wear for the office, and I'm already saying no to more and more social crap.  And I'll say it again, it's not like I had much of a social life anyway, so losing what I have to this, really sucks.

I'd like to, in the immortal words of John Mellencamp, hold on to sixteen for as long as I can.  Ideals are nice, aren't they?

If you want to do something right...

My AP Lit class has recently been experiencing some difficulty with group work.  In the last group project--a short satirical Great Expectations film--the most dramatic conflict dug up wounds from the bullying that went on freshman year.  The least dramatic was just lashing out at each other about alleged incompetence and laziness, in such a way that this group unanimously decided that no one in it ever wanted to work with each other again.

For the current project, a The Great Gatsby twenty minute dramatic performance, one group's fearless but overworked member basically took stabs at everyone in the group.  In the last project, it was sort of understandable because the groups were assigned.  But these groups were student picked, and were all made up of close friends.  People that sat with each other at lunch, held each other while they cried, and worked closely in the same editorial staff, were throwing daggers at their IQ scores and ability to keep up with deadlines.  All for a project being presented next week, that wasn't past due, that not a single person had done anything for besides outline so far.

These difficulties are probably due to a number of factors.  Our school has a little less than 700 children in it.  There are seventy five kids in the senior class, so the twenty that are in AP Lit were all more than familiar with each other and not in the friendliest way. There's been a lot of bullying, infighting, and clique switching and creating.  And I look at this and think wow, how unprofessional are we.  Aren't we supposed to be legal adults in less than a year?  Would this be tolerated in a workplace or risk termination?

I might be a bit of a hypocrite.  I myself cannot stand collaborating. I hate depending on others for basically anything.  I hate two conflicting but great ideas with no way to merge or two conflicting ideas where one is great forcing me to criticize a colleague.  And while my group member lashed out at the rest of us, I hated holding my tongue for the benefit of the team.

But at the end of the day, I've led group writing ventures outside of class and loved it.  And every single one of those Great Expectations films was creative and smart.  I have no doubt in my mind that respect for each other's piece of the work, the desire for the final product and the applause supersedes the disrespect my classmates and I shovel down each other's throats.  I want to be right about that.

Adequate/Hope

Assignment: One word that will define the rest of your senior year and why.

So far, the word that would probably describe my senior year so far is adequate.  And if I had to bet, I'd probably say it's going to define the remaining time I have in WJPS.  However, that doesn't mean I want it to stay that way.

As far as grades go, my first marking period grades were good, except one class.  Depending on how this week goes, the first half of the second marking period could either go exactly the same way or worse.  I have a time management issue. The college process wasn't as stressful as I believed it to be, especially since I only applied to CUNYs.  The SATs were meh; my score was solid.  The only better than adequate thing I really feel is better than adequate is working.  I work two jobs, one which I love with a passion, not that I could ever tell my coworkers that.

I would want the rest of my senior year to be described as hope.  College acceptance letters are supposed to start coming soon and I would like to get my GPA and SAT score up to NYU transfer requirements by the end of this year, as well as my Regents scores.  I plan for Queens for two and the NYU for the next two.

I haven't even thought about the social aspect of my senior year, except for finding my prom dress.  I lost my social life I think.  Not that I had much of one to begin with.  I do hope for more.  But going out requires money and all of mine is going towards tuition.  I hope to stay in touch with my friends after I leave here.

I hope to feel like I've accomplished something more than adequate before I leave this place.  I hope to be happy with what I've done and not just content.  But I need to do more than hope.  I need to work for what I want.