In the words of Harley King, "One must give himself completely to his art and not hold back. Throw caution to the wind. Embrace the muse. Make love to your art.”

She needs a muse. Someone to watch, to wonder about day in and day out. To feel for and just be stunned by and surprised by. 

To turn her eloquence into thoughts of wordless blankness as she just tries to process what it meant when her muse just smirked at her the way he just did.

A subject that will just melt her into a puddle of oh-my-god's and what-just-happened's and no-one-can-see-the-look-on-my-face-right-now-right?'s. 

A boy, nay, a man (as she would correct herself and declare for emphasis) who she needs to sit down and think about. Find just the right words to describe who this man is, what he wants out of life, what he's experienced.

Maybe find the right words to figure out what it is she wants from him.

He doesn't need to stupefy her every moment of the day by being a god among men (though, she wouldn't frown upon it). As long as he's around to remind her of what it's like to feel.

Remind her what the high is of being forbidden, or being her secret. What the low is of the hurt, the way she feels even more alone when she's alone because now she knows what it's like to be next to him.

And then she'll go home and breathe for a moment or to, then let herself totally explode all over the pages of her notebook. Her awe of him takes up a line or two, then the adrenaline she feels, how she is physically driven to be near him. Paragraphs and paragraphs about how she's driven, how it's not exactly sparks flying. It's a little more like an electric current.

It's not as if she knows she is going to meet him or that she is looking to. But after the first lapse in judgement, the slip up that he will be there to create, there will be no rescinding the invitation into her mind. His name will just embedded in her brain, shooting off its own synapses. He embodies pure, unadulterated dopamine, in total dysfunction with her brain's inner workings.

I don't think this much caffeine is very healthy.

Scrubbing the shower tiles until 4am was so incredibly unnecessary.

But I did, and my house is going to be and stay pretty because of me. Someone has to care about the way this place looks.

I think the dryer is broken though. Just like everything else. I couldn't go to class today. My bus isn't running on schedule and all the sidewalks are iced over. It's really dangerous for me to leave my house.

Of course, I'm still going to work today. I'm a mess. I'm also incredibly broke. Because even though I'm very proud of the fact I pay for everything on my own-100% tuition all me, no scholarship, no loan, no parental help-my bank account still hurts.

I mean, whatever though because I'm learning all the things I need to. I signed up for a third class on Friday (that I wasn't able to attend today unfortunately) and they won't let me take a fourth, academic probation (means I can't take more than 13 credits at a time) and all that. I also signed up for some online courses to bide my time. Because if I'm at school or at work and I finish studying, I'm on my laptop. I'm pretty sure all the Netflix and Youtube is going to start rotting my brain if I'm not careful, so I figured I may as well learn some more useful things that will actually help me in life, like using WordPress and about web design. A lot of technology involved thingys to make me more well rounded, especially with convergence and all that.

I'm not very eloquent when I've had as much coffee as I've had today.

Anyway, those online courses aren't even for school. They're outside my college. I started today and they're more fun than any class I've taken in ever except for AP Lit, ninth grade English, newspaper, and seventh grade English.

Not necessarily in that order. AP Lit is probably tied with seventh grade English for the win, newspaper a close second.

So yay, for extra special extra useful learning.

I'm going to go take another stab at my bank account and engage in that super special rip off that is only outdone by the rip off known as tuition. Buying college textbooks.