I want what I want.

It's really bad that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I just...I can't.  I haven't gotten zilch for acceptances OR rejections.  I have all these crazy worries that something didn't go through or my application got lost or something ridiculous that's just not supposed to happen and I have nowhere to put these worries. It's getting to the point where I'm wondering, what if I don't get in?  What then?

And what if getting in isn't what I really want?  What if I don't know what I want?  I don't know a ton about any of the colleges I applied to, just that those colleges would be okay with money and with what my parents want.

Seriously, the only thing I want is out of my house.  I want my independence, my freedom, my career.  But further than that, what if my career is wrong?  What if I change it 9 times? What if I get some weird literature degree that doesn't qualify me for any job?

I'm just really worried and anxious.  I thought I always knew what I wanted.  I've been certain since the third grade I would write for a living, and it was decided for me that I would go to college and move out and stay in New York.  I don't reject any of these things that my parents want for me; none of them are bad.  But when I look in the mirror I don't see what they want.  I know what they want.  My mother wants me to be happy.  But my father, well.  He's already seen his ideal daughter.  It was some intern at a company he worked at.  3.7 GPA and a double major who wants to work in his field.  That is absolutely not me.  My grades are up and down. I don't prioritize school or success  I prioritize doing what I love.  But that attitude has never made me popular at the dinner table or at any family gathering because my dad's parents, my grandparents, are just like him and I know they're not happy that all their kids didn't turn out the way my dad did. I'm not my dad and I have no interest in being anything like him, or my mother for that matter, or my grandparents.

But my peace of mind is contingent on my pleasing the parents I live with.  I can't be what he wants and I can't stop being me.  And I won't.

There aren't a lot of options for me in that house.