So yeah, that stuff I said about deferring a semester...

HAHAHA.

I actually thought my parents would let me go through with it.

It's funny, really. They think I'm mature enough to live on my own and pay my own bills, but not enough to make decisions about my education.

The hypocrisy of those who think they know better than everyone else never ceases to amaze me.

I'm only taking two classes, so it shouldn't be too exhausting. I'm trying to find a nice work-life-school balance. A balance I'm going to dump the second summer starts because I'm going to gun it.

I mean, I'm on academic probation. I'm pretty sure if I deferred they'd just kick me out anyway.

For 2015, I have only come up with two New Year's Resolutions: no boys, and just gun it. Based on my recent school disaster, you'd think that I was just terrible under pressure. That's false. Last semester I let myself sleep. I gave myself room to breathe. I tried to deal with my family's problems instead of focusing on myself. I can't change the things that go on at home, because like I realized before but didn't practice, I can't save people from themselves. They have to want to be better.

I can only fix my own individual problems. I very much would like to save myself. Nothing less than A's in both of the classes I'm taking, nothing less than A's in my classes for the rest of my life. I don't have room for anything less.

I asked my father for advice on saving up for tuition. You know what he told me? He told me, "When I was your age, I didn't save up. I just made lots of money."

Great advice, Dad.

But since I am apparently not as smart or as hardworking as my balling daddy, I'm going to have to find inventive ways to pay for college.

One of them being financial aid. Last year, I couldn't file because my parents wouldn't give me their information. I don't understand why, I don't know why. But for the first time I can file my taxes on my own, and therefore, don't need them to give up anything.

So I'm gunning it. No option for failure this time around. I'm going to bite the bullet and pray it doesn't enter my cranium and stop me from functioning completely. The rest of the year, and I have no choice in this, the rest of the year has to go exactly the way I'm planning it to.

Just one of his half crooked smiles could be worth her stressing.

It's really easy to misunderstand what other people want from you. Your parents might tell you all they want is for you to be happy, but then have a roadmap for how you will get there that has nothing to do with your own personal definition of happiness. Your friends will say things like, we'll still talk everyday after high school ends, and then high school ends leaving your phone with no texts from anyone you actually graduated with.

People might tell you they love you, but then have no intention of actually seeing you. Boys might tell you that you're adorable one minute, and then tell you how much they need a more stimulating act from you the next. Your boss might tell you that he will work around his schedule even though you know the schedule depends on you being able to work and run solely on caffeine, not sleep.

Then you need to sit down and figure out what you want to give and what you want from them. And then that whole thing is troublesome because how much is too much to ask for? How much do you really need anyway, and do you even have enough to give? Do you have all the energy you need, the emotional tolerance to deal with everyone else's battery? Do you have the time to be everything to everyone, everything to some people? Is it even worth it?

Which of course is the real question. What's worth doing, who is worth doing right, what will make you a little happy, someone else a little happy, and not be a total waste of time. Who is worth all the worry, all the love you have to give? Who isn't worth it, and should you give it anyway because it's the right thing to do, because it's worth it to help those who can't help themselves?

Sometime though, I find myself doing things I know for a fact are not worth it. And I know they're not worth it while I'm doing those things and I do them anyway. I know it's silly and weak.

I just love making a smile happen.